Interracial Marriage a Status Symbol?

Do you feel that your interracial marriage is a status symbol?

I’ve never thought about it in those terms until I came across this blog post today:
Stuff Desis/BrownPeople Like: #54 Placing People

“But to get yourself placed in a totally uber category, you should be dating/married to a white person or at the minimum having lunch/coffee with a non desi.”

I know this blog is tongue-in-cheek, but I guess there’s a truth behind it. For my husband, being married to me (a white girl) isn’t much of a status symbol – he didn’t go out looking specifically for an American or a white girl. He didn’t “need me” in order to get somewhere in life. We just happened to be at the right place at the right time and things worked out.

However, some of my husband’s Indian friends have expressed their desire to find a white girl to my husband. One friend (from India – who recently came to the States) actually said to my husband, “Wow, you’ve got it made, I have to find a white girl like you…” And he was serious!

Oh and people who I knew before I moved to India actually warned me not to get involved with an Indian man. I heeded their advice – until I realized that it was a bunch of baloney! I mean yes, I was careful not to fall for the first Indian man who showed any attention to me… and yes, I was sure that there were no ulterior motives (a green card, or FAIR skinned babies, or $$). And yes, I did have a couple of guys hit on me for the wrong reasons, and I had to put them in their place (but that can happen anywhere!). But my relationship with my husband grew out of actual friendship and mutual respect and common goals. Not because he wanted a green card!

In fact, when we tell people that we want to move back to India at some point, they give us the strangest looks and say, “Man you’ve got it made, why would you want to go back?”

All this to say that, yes, there are people who are disillusioned and want to marry out of their race for reasons other than love. But to those of us who are in it for the right reasons, what others think really shouldn’t matter. We shouldn’t get any more or less satisfaction from our relationship because people think one way or another about our choices. We might have to endure a few jabs in the ribs or sly comments about how we “scored” but in the end it comes down to just two people and their happiness.

497 thoughts on “Interracial Marriage a Status Symbol?

  1. Pale_Desi

    Hmmm thats an interesting take on it. Though sadly I fear there are at least as many or more people that think Intercultural relationships are carry a stigma. Good to see this side of it though… Though for me its just you love who you love whether they happen to be white, brown, black, purple or blue…

  2. Jenn23

    Yes, I agree with Pale Desi..I haven’t encountered much of what you mentioned, but instead have faced the “negatives” such as, “Why are you with an Indian man?” and other similar, hurtful, but not suprising, comments. My father and step-mother made it clear early in our relationship that they do not approve (they never even met him). None of my boyfriend’s family/friends dated or married American white woman or any other race for that matter, so I “stand out”. With that said, all of his friends/family have been supportive, including his parents so I’m very lucky. :)

  3. Cagey

    With my own circle of friends, it is a mix. Some are clearly not impressed, while others think it is cool (although they are disappointed to learn that a Catholic from Kerala does not come chock full of cool, ethnic traditions like a Hindu does. Heh. :-)

    My family is totally cool with my Indian husband, though (it helps that my step-grandma is also from Kerala.) And my other grandma LOVES him – why? Because he is a traditional, hard-working guy who works, then comes to his family. No happy hours with the guys, no golf courses. That is her definition of an ideal husband, so Manoj was a no-brainer in her book.

  4. The Gori Wife

    I think it can be a status symbol. For my husband’s more childish male friends it’s like “Hey hey – how’d you get a white girl!” but it’s a double edged sword because some people (hardliners, religious types, older people, anti-westerners) it can be an anti-status symbol. Like what kind of man would do such a thing?

    For me, it’s rarely a status symbol except among a certain type of young, globe-trotting culturally aware hipster person. I don’t know how to explain it but in my adult life I’ve met a lot of people who ate Indian food, or even traveled to India (my hsuband’s Pakistani, but whatever) EVER WITHOUT having married a desi. Those kinds of people are impressed.

  5. Anonymous

    I think the whole thing about “status symbol” totally depends on the crowd one runs with and/or the family. For a very traditional Indian or western family, an interracial marriage would be a step down, socially, the occasion for much soap-opera melodrama, crying, weeping, emotional blackmail, etc. “Who will continue the family’s daily puja?” (as if a foreign wife can’t learn the rituals).
    Even for liberal Indians, the stereotype is that “foreigners” can’t “adjust” to Indian lives – i.e. a foreign wife would never understand how to accommodate twelve relatives, their five kids and a dog under the same roof, feed them all, and hang out for hours with them (if you’ve been around the average desi, you’ll know that the favorite pastime is chai+chatting, often late into the night, everybody piled into the same room). That is nonsense of course, it all depends on the person. But that is the stereotype.

  6. Anonymous

    Hello, I came across your blog. I am Indian while my husband is AMerican, so yes we are in an inter racial marriage, but I ahve never felt any differences we are together because we love each other and can not think of anyone but each othere. ATtimes I have forgotten that he is not an Indian and vice versa. He makes the best saag paneer and he loves my chicken pot pie , so does it really matter. The world is a much smaller place and it all depends on your outlook, if you want to find differences you willfind them and if you want to create your own culture and your own tradition you will be able to do that.

  7. Anonymous

    The original word for caste is Varna,
    which means color in Sanskrit, one of the oldest Indo-European Language Family ( which includes English )

    Upper castes are associated with lighter skin color and share recent DNA ancestry with Europeans

    This is why there is a huge craze for skin lightening creams in India
    Infertile Indian couples import European semen to have ‘fair skin babies’ per article in Outlook

    Thats also the reason why of the few Indians who do outmarry, most marry white people since it is easier to get a waiver from the family

    In practise, most Indians will not marry whites, and most families will oppose it due to caste linked reasons such as incompatible religion, diet and Hollywood lifestyle

    So in practise, Inter-racial marriage is a scandal, however it is a mild scandal when a white person is involved

    1. desidugu

      Varna does not mean color. It’s a work classification. Scholar,Warrior , business man or skilled labor. Doctor and Software engineers fall under skilled labor or the so called ‘lowest’ caste.

      DNA for all Indians is the same. so this is absolutely incorrect. Light or Dark skinned.

      Outlook in article is not gospel. A few instances sensationalized cannot be extrapolated to the general public… Kooks exist everywhere.

      No. There is a much greater chance of discrimination against the kids if they are married to Afro American…. Lighter skinned children face much less pain. It’s not about the adults, who can handle hatred better, it’s about what their kids have to go through. Not sure what the waiver
      business is all about, but it’s about a better life.

      Western countries… read mostly white skinned are more properous at this time in history. so that logically extends to a marriage with positive economic impact… much like any marriage when the aspect is looking at future economic gain.

      Not true. Sorry. Understanding seems to be limited. Most Indian Parents are trying to determine
      success characteristics for their children , Period.

      This means looking for most commonality… religion background diet etc whatever.

      Ironic because now the same logic used for

      all these ‘dating’ sites which hopefully leads to marriage.

      so, old fashioned when it’s done as part of Indian Culture but ok when done with a
      dating webite… .Kind of hypocrical. when it’s the same perspective and idea.

      Again. Light skinned kids suffer from less hatred and discrimination than kids of other inter racial groups

      Please quit propagating unfair ideas and untruths which increase misunderstanding and ignorance

  8. Indien

    Nice blog.
    I think initially one thinks of it as a status symbol(esp for darker indians as media portrays them to be not so good looking, in India).
    After a while you transcend over the color and find that you are actually dealing with a person, not white not black not brown not purple, just a person.

  9. Andy

    Its pretty stressful; an Interracial marriage. Trouble and discord lurks in every corner, very different egos are involved.

    Those to term it as status symbol are plain naive or being jealous. It’s almost like the saying which goes “Success is like being pregnant: Everybody congratulates u, but nobody knows how many times u were screwed in the process”.

    A recent survey I came across says it takes almost 5 times the effort of a normal one to strike perfect cultural assimilation. the day when even grey-haired people start calling it a status symbol, then I’d agree.

  10. Anonymous

    I totally agree with what she says.. No matter what the husband may say, there is a reason you never see Indian men with African American women. White skin reigns supreme in India.. we still have the gora complex left behind from centuries of British rule. As my history professor here in the states put it We call Indians and other asians “our little brown brother” (he’s 5’7″ and I’m 6′.. who’s he calling “little”. Anyway, enough of my rantings.. I’m also married to a caucasian, and yes, my wife did question if I married her because I wanted fair kids, and the answer is: to an extent – YES! If not, I had my pick of Indian beauties – I’m 6 ft tall, educated and a good looking Indian albeit dark.

  11. rk

    People that think one needs to marry a certain type of woman or man to elevate their status are shallow beyond words and obviously know nothing about real marriages! Enough said.

  12. Joe

    Indian people have a foolish obsession with white skin, for your husband’s friends to say that he has it “made” because he is married to a white woman shows this attitude. Many white men marry Asian women, mostly because they find Asian women have more traditional values. Also the fact that divorce and marital stress is common in Western countries. The divorce rate in the US is nearly 55 percent while only less than 1 percent in India. So a marriage in the US is 55 more times likely to fail than one in India.
    Most Indians only see an unrealistic Hollywood image of Americans and Europeans, they do not see the reality. Those who live in the West though tend to see the reality a bit more, but still many have an ingrained sense that whites are better than they, and that is why many Indian men seek white women.

  13. William

    There is a big difference between Indians living in India/raised in India, and those of south asian ancestry born and raised in western nations. While the idea of attraction to lighter skin exists in all large groups world wild to some extent, the more ‘westernized’, the less the strict preference. (but not all individuals – even among indians, a large minority does not prefer lighter skin – and in the west, there are many indians that do like black girls, dark indian girls, or have little preference when it comes to race) Religious/caste considerations are generally more important to colour, and even those become less and less important generation after generation.

    In Toronto, most successful attractive Indian men, even from liberal families, prefer and date brown skinned girls. The same is true in Britain. The vast majority of successful ethnic sports people in NAmerica and the UK marry fellow non-white girls. For those from Trinidad or Guyana, race is even less an issue. There are biases against class, no doubt, but among 2nd/3rd generation indian-canadians, there is little ‘white fever’. Most will just be interested in dating any girl that’s attractive.

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